much on my mind

I have a lot I would like to write about, but very little time to concentrate. Shannon is napping now, but I'm expecting her to wake up anytime so I'm not sure how long this will be!

First, I never posted that Sean got his ship date for BMT. He leaves April 26th! It's sooner than I expected and I'm both excited and stressed. The fear of the unkown is probably the biggest thing for me. Of course, that means I research like crazy. ;-) I'm in such better mental state to tackle this life change than even a year ago. I'm really ready. I love my job and family, but I can just feel that it's 'time', you know? I'm so excited to move somewhere new and possibly go to school. The hardest part will be playing single mom for a while and Shannon missing her daddy and grandparents. I'm not looking forward to either. But she's young and will adjust even though it'll be rough sometimes.

I've really been struggling with body image lately and I realize something needs to change. I've lost all of the baby weight and then some, but my shape is different. I usually don't feel fat (though I pretty much hate and hide my middle), but I have an intense fear of gaining weight. I grew up watching my parents gain and lose weight and seeming to have no control over their diets or bodies. My mom is diabetic, so it's always been a challenge for her. My dad had so many health and mental problems that the weight has just been a vicious cycle for him. They've both lost weight recently and my mom has successfully kept it off for a while now. Anyway, that just to say that I KNOW that has affected me. My mom has a terrible sugar addiction (diabetes doesn't help this!) and I fear being out of control like her. I think that's just it really - I fear being out of control of myself and my body. Although there are multiple reasons why I don't want another child for a while (if ever) a big one is that I hated not being in control of how I felt or what I could eat. I think I could manage my weight gain better in a second pregnancy now that I've been 'eating clean' and stuff (I did ok with Shannon, but could have done better), but I still don't want to lose that control. Nevermind all the other changes that happen whether you gain extra weight or not! Add in the possibility of another c-section and how that affects things even more and I'll just say a big "no thank you!" to a second pregnancy.

Anyway, I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I know it's unhealthy, but I'm afraid to not obsess because in my mind that takes me to the other side of the coin where I don't have control and I'll just become and unhealthy fat pig! Blah.

My grandparents unexpectedly gifted us with some money and I'm excited! We really have enough in savings and BMT is close enough that we could justify spending it on some stuff we need/want, but it's sooo hard for me to do that! My natural reaction is to save, save, save. I'm a bit of a penny pincher and I hate spending money even on stuff we need. Sean wants to use it toward more fun stuff (surprise? haha), but I want to use it for some misc items we arguably need, but I probably wouldn't get otherwise.

Like I mentioned in the first paragraph, I am so so ready to go to school. I can't breathe sometimes when I think about it! I really hope our first station will make that possible. I just want to get my degree and start on my career. *sigh* I'm looking forward to learning and studying and getting a better feel for what I want to do. I would love to shoot for med school and be a doctor, but realistically I know that isn't what I want. I know it's possible with kids, but I want to make sure I don't 'study away' her childhood, you know? I'll content myself with nursing and maybe one day when she's grown and I'm still young I can pursue med school. :-) Another bonus to not having more kids. ;-)

Shannon is still sleeping! I think I'll sign off for now though.