ocd

I can feel the OCD creeping into the edges of my mind again (probably due to the stress of my current situation) and it's frustrating! Go away!

my whine fest!

Sean is going into week 5 of training. The halfway point was Wednesday. I am SO READY for this to be over. Single parenting is hard. Having very limited communication with my husband is hard. Trying to explain to a two year old why Daddy isn't anymore is hard! Not knowing how it's going and just trusting "no news is good news" is hard. It sucks, sucks, SUCKS not having the present support of my spouse available to me. One of the first things I'm going to do when I'm finally at his graduation is hold him and cry and finally tell him how hard this was and let him have a turn supporting me. I'm supporting HIM right now and that's just how it has to be.

I knew all of this going in, so I try not to whine much. It just frigging sucks no matter how you slice it. It's exciting that we're getting closer to the end, but that doesn't change my daily situation. Every day is tedious. We've had a couple good days and I'm grateful that we're near family so I can get me time. I'm grateful to have great friends nearby who are really looking out for my emotional well being.

I'm realizing I need to stop being so hard on myself. I always have such high expectations for how I should handle situations and when I don't meet those I feel like my world is collapsing. That's dumb mistake #1! But I can appreciate how much this is forcing me to grow. I cannot be complacent in these circumstances. There are personal issues I MUST work on in order to do this. It's one thing if I was just hanging on through a temporary situation, but knowing we'll have to deal with deployments in the future is reason for me to take this opportunity to grow as a person. I HAVE to reach out to people, I HAVE to trust them. I can't do this alone. I think this may be one of the most challenging things I've ever attempted! But I can do it. I CAN do it. I've had lots of bad days where all I could say was exactly the opposite, but I HAVE to do this therefore I CAN. Lots of other people have done it - so can I.

I don't want to count the times I've watched Charlotte's Web (though I still love that story!), various Elmo movies and Oliver and Company. I don't want to count the times that I've thought "if Shannon climbs on me ONE MORE TIME I'm going to scream!" I love my kid. She's sweet and adorable, but solo parenting is hard. There is so much I just have to let go and decide where I want to pick my battles. I can't feel guilty right now. I'm doing the best I can with the tools I have available to me.

I guess I should wrap this up. I keep my eyes on the goal line and visualize his graduation. I think about how proud we'll all be in that moment and how wonderful it will be to be with him again. THEN we'll handle tech school and after that the move. I can't think of the whole thing right now so I just don't!

so I have 5 minutes to myself....

Well, more than that. ;-) I won't be TOO dramatic. Some days I am lucky to get that though, so I'm taking today with a deeeeep breath of thankfulness.

I won't lie - It's been rough. It is getting easier though. They say it's "uphill" until week four and then times starts going by more quickly. It also gets easier for the trainees at that point, which is probably part of it. It's hard knowing that HE'S having a hard time. He was crying when he called me Sunday. I didn't cry because I wanted so badly to just boost him back up - that's partially why they're allowed calls and letters and such. They NEED that morale support. He NEEDS to know I'm here cheering him on and holding down the fort at home. When I have that motivation, it's pretty easy to be strong. I was so happy to just hear his voice anyway. What's hard? Being practically a single working mom. I have support and help from parents and friends and I'm so grateful for that. But it's hard. Thankfully I'm not as tired this week as I was the last two, but it's still a challenge. It's just constant work. Also, I miss Sean terribly. I really didn't realize that part would be this hard. I'm pretty independent, I'm an introvert and I like to be alone. But my best friend who I've been around day in and day out (minus some short trips) for almost 6 years now is not only away from home, but we can't talk to each other. I write letters, hope for some in return and wait for 10-15 minute phone calls once a week. I'm so glad to be a military wife in the age of technology, but I still just MISS him. It's even hard to go out and do stuff because it makes me feel his absence more sharply. I couldn't make myself go see a movie alone last week because being around all those people without my husband just made me want to cry. On the upside, this is pushing me to personal growth. I'm reaching out in ways (and telling myself it's freaking ok to do so!) that I haven't done before.

Anyway, I wanted to write that down somewhere. I try to stick to my lifelong habit of not complaining (lol), but sometimes you just got to say: THIS SUCKS.