what a weekend!

I may take some time to work on this blog, but we'll see! My husband is going to call soon (yay!), so I may not get much written.

BMT graduation weekend was incredible. I barely know what else to say about it. Thursday morning started with the Airman's Run. I thought it was going to be cheesy - especially because everybody pulls out banners and homemade t-shirts - but it was actually exciting. It doesn't last long because they run 1.5 miles and pass you twice. They sing their jodies as they run by and the adrenaline definitely starts flowing as you try to get the first glimpse of who you came to see. Sean was near the back of his flight, so we saw him and he caught my eye on the second pass. Then they shower and change and there is a couple hours before the first ceremony. That one is called the coin ceremony. They recognize the honor grads and then pass out an airman's coin to all the trainees. It signifies their transition from trainee to airman. After that ceremony loved ones can "tap out" their airman from formation. Sean was in a band flight, so we had to wait an additional half hour while they returned the instruments and we didn't get to tap them out. But the first hug is still AMAZING. Sean was sooo handsome in his uniform. He'd lost weight, but also put on muscle - pretty sexy! We got our first hug and Shannon's first interaction with him on video. I'm so glad we have those moments recorded. :-) After that you have on base liberty until 8pm, or whenever their MTIs decide they need to return. Sean had to be back at 7:30pm. Most people don't like on base liberty because it's hard to find somewhere to sit and talk, but I liked it just fine. Sure, there are plenty of people around, but we found a place in one of the food courts and talked for several hours. Sean's mom needed to get out of the heat (she has MS) so they took Shannon back to the house we rented so Sean and I could just catch up. We couldn't hold hands or have more than a brief hug, but just TALKING was so worth it.

Friday was the actual graduation. If I'm being honest, the ceremonies were a bit boring. The graduation gave me a few chills, but overall I wanted it over with so I could escape the heat and spend time with my husband. They had off base liberty after the graduation, so we went back to the house. Shannon was napping so we all just chilled out for a while, but when she woke up his parents and brother took her out so we could have "us time". ;-) I won't say anything else about that, lol. I took him back at 7:30 again.

Saturday I got to pick him up at 9am. We had some stuff to do on base for his uniforms, but then we headed back to the house again. We went to see a movie with Aaron (the new x-men) and then went to the Verizon store to check out phones. We had more time for just us and then had dinner with the family. 7:30 was the curfew again.. Sunday I picked him up at 9am again. His squadron had earned off base privileges for Sunday for getting PT excellence. His MTIs took it away Friday, but ended up giving it back. He had to be back at 3:30 instead of 6pm though. I don't really remember what we did that day. I know we spent some time just the three of us as a family at the house.

Overall it was incredible, very emotional and intense. We were able to talk ALOT which was SO needed.

I'm talking the husband now, so I'll post more later. It's SOOO nice to be able to talk on the phone and text! He can't during duty hours, but that's fine. It's so much better.

ocd

I can feel the OCD creeping into the edges of my mind again (probably due to the stress of my current situation) and it's frustrating! Go away!

my whine fest!

Sean is going into week 5 of training. The halfway point was Wednesday. I am SO READY for this to be over. Single parenting is hard. Having very limited communication with my husband is hard. Trying to explain to a two year old why Daddy isn't anymore is hard! Not knowing how it's going and just trusting "no news is good news" is hard. It sucks, sucks, SUCKS not having the present support of my spouse available to me. One of the first things I'm going to do when I'm finally at his graduation is hold him and cry and finally tell him how hard this was and let him have a turn supporting me. I'm supporting HIM right now and that's just how it has to be.

I knew all of this going in, so I try not to whine much. It just frigging sucks no matter how you slice it. It's exciting that we're getting closer to the end, but that doesn't change my daily situation. Every day is tedious. We've had a couple good days and I'm grateful that we're near family so I can get me time. I'm grateful to have great friends nearby who are really looking out for my emotional well being.

I'm realizing I need to stop being so hard on myself. I always have such high expectations for how I should handle situations and when I don't meet those I feel like my world is collapsing. That's dumb mistake #1! But I can appreciate how much this is forcing me to grow. I cannot be complacent in these circumstances. There are personal issues I MUST work on in order to do this. It's one thing if I was just hanging on through a temporary situation, but knowing we'll have to deal with deployments in the future is reason for me to take this opportunity to grow as a person. I HAVE to reach out to people, I HAVE to trust them. I can't do this alone. I think this may be one of the most challenging things I've ever attempted! But I can do it. I CAN do it. I've had lots of bad days where all I could say was exactly the opposite, but I HAVE to do this therefore I CAN. Lots of other people have done it - so can I.

I don't want to count the times I've watched Charlotte's Web (though I still love that story!), various Elmo movies and Oliver and Company. I don't want to count the times that I've thought "if Shannon climbs on me ONE MORE TIME I'm going to scream!" I love my kid. She's sweet and adorable, but solo parenting is hard. There is so much I just have to let go and decide where I want to pick my battles. I can't feel guilty right now. I'm doing the best I can with the tools I have available to me.

I guess I should wrap this up. I keep my eyes on the goal line and visualize his graduation. I think about how proud we'll all be in that moment and how wonderful it will be to be with him again. THEN we'll handle tech school and after that the move. I can't think of the whole thing right now so I just don't!

so I have 5 minutes to myself....

Well, more than that. ;-) I won't be TOO dramatic. Some days I am lucky to get that though, so I'm taking today with a deeeeep breath of thankfulness.

I won't lie - It's been rough. It is getting easier though. They say it's "uphill" until week four and then times starts going by more quickly. It also gets easier for the trainees at that point, which is probably part of it. It's hard knowing that HE'S having a hard time. He was crying when he called me Sunday. I didn't cry because I wanted so badly to just boost him back up - that's partially why they're allowed calls and letters and such. They NEED that morale support. He NEEDS to know I'm here cheering him on and holding down the fort at home. When I have that motivation, it's pretty easy to be strong. I was so happy to just hear his voice anyway. What's hard? Being practically a single working mom. I have support and help from parents and friends and I'm so grateful for that. But it's hard. Thankfully I'm not as tired this week as I was the last two, but it's still a challenge. It's just constant work. Also, I miss Sean terribly. I really didn't realize that part would be this hard. I'm pretty independent, I'm an introvert and I like to be alone. But my best friend who I've been around day in and day out (minus some short trips) for almost 6 years now is not only away from home, but we can't talk to each other. I write letters, hope for some in return and wait for 10-15 minute phone calls once a week. I'm so glad to be a military wife in the age of technology, but I still just MISS him. It's even hard to go out and do stuff because it makes me feel his absence more sharply. I couldn't make myself go see a movie alone last week because being around all those people without my husband just made me want to cry. On the upside, this is pushing me to personal growth. I'm reaching out in ways (and telling myself it's freaking ok to do so!) that I haven't done before.

Anyway, I wanted to write that down somewhere. I try to stick to my lifelong habit of not complaining (lol), but sometimes you just got to say: THIS SUCKS.

happy birthday?

I hate my birthday sometimes. I have had lots of sucky experiences (that were NOT the fault of my negative, pessimistic self, thank you very much!) especially for my 16th and beyond. So now I get apprehensive every time my birthday approaches. Last night I REALLY decided to try and have a positive attitude and try the whole "it is what you make it" thing. Annnnnnd...it doesn't work so well for me. I've already had an emotional breakdown, a fight with my husband and now I'm sitting here tired and twiddling my thumbs waiting to go back to work. Now, of course it isn't ALL negative. I've had a couple spots that made me smile and gave me some encouragement that I still have the rest of the day ahead of me. But I just don't get it. I don't get this huge specialness to a day that's like any other. What am I going to do today? I'm going to work, hopefully workout (except I felt so crappy when I just tried to run that I had to stop), take care of my kiddo, do laundry and fit a nap in if I can. I'm going to make dinner tonight and hopefully make it to bed before 9pm. That's my day. Nope, not going to see the family (haven't even received any birthday wishes from them), not going out to eat, not anything else. Why? Because I'm miss practical who has to take care of all of the usual stuff and there just isn't much left after that.

I just want the day to be over with already so I can move on and not pretend that this day is any different or any more special.

5 weeks to go

the stress is getting to me some days, now. forgive the lack of capitilization in this post because i'm writing it from my phone.

sean leaves for bmt 5 weekes from yesterday! the time is really flying and i hope it continues after he leaves. i'm getting nervous about handling so much by myself. not knowing our first station is stressing me out and thinking about a military move really makes my teeth chatter. i know it'll allll be fine and my superwoman powers will kick into gear (:p), but i still need my freak out moments.

i'm anxious to know our first station so i can make school plans. i'm afraid that if i don't get it written in stone that i will be weak and take the easy road. i'm also afraid that i will get baby fever and change my mind. but maybe i should pay attention if i do because we'll have the opportunity for me not to work and so on. ugh. i dunno. i wish i could permanently make that decision, but i feel like i'm too young to nix any chance of future pregnancies. i just wish i could wave a wand and be in school. :(

i'm very thankful for how childcare has worked out. not needing a babysitter makes it much easier. i'm a bit anxious about relying on my mom to make it down here by 5am 3 days a week, but we'll see.

moving stresses me out. military moving is a whole new ballgame for me. i know we'll get more info as we need it, but all the details and things you have to be mindful of send my brain whirling. if anyone can do it, i know i can, but that doesn't mean i don't feel the stress of being on a learning curve.

i seriously have felt like hyperventilating the past few days. pms doesn'tg help. :p i'll be fine...just gotta take it one step at a time. i'm really excited and ready to get this road on the show!

Sean and I went to Saint Augustine, Florida this weekend for a second honeymoon - well, really our first!. It was a wonderful trip. :-) I love going to historical places and this was definitely full of thing to see. We walked around a lot, went to the Castillo de San Marcos, the Mission of Nombre de Dios and the Jacksonville Zoo. The condo we stayed in had a view of the ocean and it was a short walk to the beach. It's so beautiful there and I hope to go back!

I think I'm going to buy some textbooks! Just because I can't go to school yet doesn't mean I can't begin prepping for some of the more challenging classes. Also, I'm still kind of exploring what I want to do, so I think that will help me be more committed to school when the time does arrive.

I'll probably end up doing nursing, but I'm just going through all my options again. Ultimately I want something science related. I just kinda realized that grad school isn't as far away as I previously thought (or at least, is possible sooner) so I'm trying not to limit myself. Granted, a lot of this depends on if Sean makes the air force a career or not. I'll need to stick to something more flexible if he does. I've just really got an itch to go for a highly educated career route and I'm sooo anxious to get started! Nursing is still a very good choice though because if I get my B.S. in that, I can still have a lot of grad school options open to me. Physical therapist, pharmacist, certified nurse midwife and a few others catch my interest. Those each require 3-4 years of grad school. However, I'm also looking at some science careers that aren't on the medical side of things. It's kind of a fresh viewpoint for me even if I think I'll still end up in a medical career. So yeah, I'm going to start brushing up on algebra and going through some biology and anatomy textbooks!

I'm doing well with my running! I ran 3 miles outside yesterday in 27 minutes. Today I ran 6 intervals and kicked those up to 9mph. I was doing 6.7 (2 minutes) to 8.2-8.5 )1 minute), but today I did 7 and 9. Woo woo! I've really just tried to kick myself into gear. It seems that every time I fall into a rut, I never push myself past where I'd previously been. That ends NOW. Time to run harder, faster and longer and truly challenge myself. I'm tired of giving myself permission to slack off!