mommy stuff and such

Shannon was a Tootsie Roll for Halloween. I found the costume at Once Upon A Child for $4. Not bad! I don't have an issue with dressing up for Halloween and having fun. I do have an issue with Haunted Houses and the like though. I don't understand the desire to scare ourselves our revel in evil and death. But that's a sidetrack from the purpose of this post!

Our intent as a family has always been for me to eventually stay at home full-time. I got pregnant before we were in a position to allow me to do so, and obviously we still are not. I have been torn ever since I got pregnant and the inner conflict has just escalated since then. I love working and I didn't enjoy being home full-time those first 6 weeks. Granted, I don't think I can base my like or dislike of being a stay-at-home-mom on that time, due to other circumstances and the emotions of the time. But anyway, it's all I have so far. Anyway, Sean is working more hours and I have recently began to as well. I feel more and more torn because I don't want this to be our permanent life style, but I'm afraid of giving up my 'outside' self. I was thinking about why the other day and I kinda hit upon the reason. Outside of home, I'm not afraid of failing. Sure, I'll make mistakes, but ultimately I am fulfilled because I know I can stretch myself and grow. I love learning and working in that capacity. Staying at home is intimidating because I don't have that confidence. I've always been nervous about becoming a mom and that's not including the various 'homemaker' things that I'll have to learn as well. I guess I also have this idea that staying home is unrewarding and work that doesn't contribute. I don't know why and I know that's not right. I don't see other moms that stay at home that way and I appreciate that my own mom stayed home with us. I don't want to spend much more time expounding on this idea because I'm hoping to finish this blog before Shannon is 'done' with her ExerSaucer! But that's the basic idea. And I know it isn't right. I think it's also kinda selfish. My life isn't about fulfilling 'me' now. It's about doing what's best for my family as a whole. Not that I have to give up things that I do just for myself, but I can find other capacities to express that. I really believe I'm 'called', in a sense, to stay at home. I think it's what is best for our family and I think it's what I'm supposed to do. I'm afraid of it for various reasons and I really don't see how we'll get to that point, but it's becoming my prayer. Especially if I really am being 'called' to do so. It's ok right now, but I don't want to have this lifestyle as Shannon gets older or as we have more children.